If I could, I might re-name my title "Dating: What This Girl Needs Everybody To Know" but I'm too lazy to go through the blog posts and change it. Sorry 'bout that. On with the list of topics...
...We know it's just a date, not a marriage proposal.
I promise we do. This should help you to freaking calm down. I hate to patronize you by quoting prophets or anything so I won't. You know you should be dating. You know you should be getting to know us ladies one-on-one and not by spending time with a large group of people. So, when you're with a large group of people and you'd like get to know one of them a little less superficially you have to make plans with them to do something conducive to getting to know them a little less superficially.
Do you know what I think when I go out on a date with someone? I think, "Cool, he thinks I'm interesting enough to take a few hours out of his life to get to know me a little better." So chill out. We know it's just a date. We are happy to go on them with you. Please don't think that we have extravagant expectations. We just want to enjoy your company for an hour or two and learn a little bit about you. Hopefully you feel the same.
Stop hanging out with us and being our best friends.
Please, please, PLEASE stop doing this. For women everywhere, I beg of you. I'm not talking about being friends who spend time together occasionally and usually with a group. I'm not talking about being friends and catching up every now and then or helping someone out. I'm talking about the kind of friends where you talk/text frequently, where you share a lot of personal and meaningful stuff, where you spend lots of time together (I say more than once a week) and where part or all of that time is just the two of you.
It's very frustrating for a girl to feel like she is such a priority in your life, that she means so much to you (and that you've come to mean so much to her) but the dating thing is never going to happen. Guys, why you do this, I will never understand. I never know what to say to my friends when they run in to this problem, and believe me, it happens ALL the time. The message you are sending to the girl is this: I like you but you are not good enough to date me. Stop investing so much time and energy into relationships with girls that you don't feel will progress into a dating relationship. Either consider dating her or set goals to get to know girls that you would consider dating. I'm sure it's much easier to just keep doing what you're doing, to stick with these girls you are comfortable with and make you feel needed and oh-so-good about yourself, but please know you are damaging them and causing you both to miss out on other dating opportunities.
I am very thankful to good guy friends who have been there for me but knew where to draw the line. They have taught me that I can have meaningful platonic (spell-checker says that's how it's written) friendships with the opposite sex.
How we want men to treat us: It's really not that hard to make us fall in love with you.
Simply put, on a date we just need you to be men. We appreciate any time that you consider our feelings or needs and put them before your own. When you sacrifice for us it makes us feel important. When you spend quality time with us we assume that we are one of your priorities and it makes us feel good. When you honestly plan or put thought into a date, that's super impressive.
Let me give you a concrete example. I went on a blind date a few weeks ago. He was given my number from a friend on a Sunday. He text me that Sunday night to say "hi" and see if I was available for Saturday. I was pleased that he hadn't waited until Thursday night to see if I could go out on Friday. He told me he would contact me later in the week to figure out the details. A few days later he called me to get to know me a little bit and find out what I liked to do. During our conversation (15-20 minutes...not too long, not super short) I mentioned I liked cultural events and that maybe there was something going on in Salt Lake because Friday was Day of the Dead--a Mexican holiday. The next day he researched all about the holiday and found several events we could go to. He told me exactly what time I should expect him to pick me up, he said to dress warm/casual and listed off a bunch of restaurants in the area for me to choose from. I appreciated that he had put forth the effort to plan something I would like and that he communicated what to expect. What's more, when we went, I could tell that he genuinely enjoyed it and that made me feel good. By the way, the first event we went to wasn't actually happening until a few days later, I was glad that he had a plan "B". About 20 minutes after he dropped me off for the night, I got a text from him thanking me for a fun night and saying that he hoped I had felt treated well and had fun.
I was impressed. If this is how he treats someone he barely knows, imagine how he must treat his friends and his family. And so my friends, that's all it takes. Be nice and be thoughtful.
How we show you we're interested.
If we want to see you again, we will say or do something to let you know. We will go out of our way to see or talk to you again. If you are constantly approaching us and never the other way around then we probably aren't interested. Girls who are interested won't turn down a date, if they're busy they will suggest another time to go out because they don't want to miss an opportunity to spend time with you. Girls who are interested will look you in the eyes and smile at you. They will remember details about you.
We probably spend way too much time thinking about how to let you know if we are interested without just coming out and saying it. Why don't we just say what we're thinking? I don't know. I have found that just asking, "hey, are you interested?" isn't as hard as you would imagine. It's better just to know.
Be honest (even painfully so) about your intentions and feelings the minute you realize we're not on the same page.
Let's talk about "leading people on" for a second. This goes for all of us. You've probably been on one or both sides of this unfortunate part of dating. If you do not reciprocate feelings, just say it. And the sooner, the better. Don't beat around the bush, don't try to drop hints, don't try to soften the blow. Remember, in dating, sometimes we only see what we want to see. As obvious as you might feel you are being, unless it is super direct, there is room for interpretation or justification.
Sometimes you might not even know what you feel for somebody. Be honest about that too. But the moment you know that you're not interested is the very best moment to say so. The longer you wait to say something the more painful the rejection becomes. We all know this is true. Why do we wait so long then? Why do we worry about being "nice" about it when either way the truth is gonna sting a little bit? We wait because we are selfish. Be more concerned with the other person's feelings than your own. Rip off the band-aid. Get it out there.
Remember, we get rejected too. It's a two-way street.
You might hate what I have to say next. If I had read this a year ago, I would probably hate it. My perspective has changed somewhat since then. Having said that, you have my permission to roll your eyes or just skip over the rest of this entirely, but I'm gonna say it anyway (in case you decide to keep reading)...
Embrace rejection. Take as much time as you feel you must to be bummed out about it. Fully accept that it sucks. But then keep moving forward. Disappointment is ok. It's part of life. It's normal. It's usually out of your control. Discouragement on the other hand, is under your control. How you ultimately, not initially, react to rejection and failure says a lot about your character.
Here are a few people who have said it better than I ever could:
If I find 10,000 ways something won’t work, I haven’t failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.
-Thomas A. Edison
Sometimes when you innovate, you make mistakes. It is best to admit them quickly, and get on with improving your other innovations.
- Steve Jobs
Don’t be discouraged by a failure. It can be a positive experience. Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, inasmuch as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid.
-John Keats
Now, I know more of you are reading this than are letting on. So leave a comment. This is aimed towards dating in the LDS culture, so keep that in mind. Are there any important points that I left off my list? Guys, what would you want to include on your list? Is there anything you disagree with? Anyone have any words of wisdom?
READ PART 1 HERE
READ PART 2 HERE
9 comments:
I so enjoy these blogposts, because even though I am married, I 100% agree with all of what you are saying. There is a fine line between being too picky & "not settling." I will say that I got mixed responses from guys when I asked what they preferred: a "pity" date or the truth (about me not being interested). Some guys said they preferred to be "let down easy" and others said they wanted the truth. I definitely think after you've gotten the run around from a few people, you tend to get more honest (and sometimes painfully) in relationships. Dating is difficult, and its meant to be that way. Every time I hear my friends' stories about how they met and started dating, and all the drama & trauma that came with it, I believe its nothing short of a miracle that any of us ever get married. If Satan can prevent you from even getting married, he has been successful in stopping the creation of a family. He *doesn't* want ANYONE to date (single or married), and so this is his way of attacking the family in terms of not-yet-married folks. Dating takes faith, and sometimes we just have to have faith in God that dating is not going to kill us and get on with it. :-) I hope that the men get it...whoever this is directed at :) I quite enjoy it. Thanks for your thoughts! Miss you to pieces!
**I forgot to follow up with what I meant about saying dating is difficult: I know that I appreciate Ty much more having had the difficult experiences I had, both with him and other men, before we got married. Its a very difficult & sometimes painful process, but it is so worth it in the end when things work out. I thank my lucky stars everyday that he asked me out. :) Anyway, because I had to go through so many other bad dating experiences, I know what I have with Ty. And I'm a better wife to him because of it.
Word.nailed it. I would also add that the ladies need to chill a bit as well (cause I do know some girls who do think that anyone who asks them out intends to M
marry them)...but I don't blame them for getting excited about a date...Cause guys in the LDS culture basically ask girls out on a date (and no, asking someone to hang out does not count) like once a year at best.
Testify. Preach on.
I will also agree with what you wrote tonight. Part of the reason some girls get so worked up about a date is because they never get asked out, and then when they do it is like a miracle. Guys need to remember hopefully how they were raised to treat woman and it is those simple considerate things that do make girls fall in love. I should not be shocked when a guy opens my door for me or takes a moment to pay a compliment. Also I think that trust comes into play. Even if you think you are only going out on one date don't lie to make yourself sound better, it may come back to bite you in the butt. When that trust is gone it is really hard to earn it back. Overall Amanda I think you nailed even though I was apart of this conversation a few weeks ago!
I have loved your posts Amanda! I think you need to interview some guys for the follow-up ;-) I cannot wait for a wonderful, worthy man to come and find you!! You will make someone very happy one day.
Oh my heck, I just stumbled across this and feel like this is EXACTLY how I feel. I especially thank you for having the guts to say STOP BEING OUR BEST FRIENDS if we not good enough to date. That is the most discouraging thing EVER. There have been so many times when this has happened to me, and I hate it (Let's be honest, though, I'm guilty of the same thing).
P.S. That dude who planned the date sounds like an AWESOME guy. I think guys think we want extravagant when really, all we want is a little thought and effort put into it and not just saying "what do you want to do?" Lanta.
Great posts. I say stop worrying about it and just get out there! Let him know you are available! I gave my fiance my number, and later he admitted that he never thought I would be interested or that I couldn't be single... Lol. Guys need encouragement and girls just need to be appreciated!
Love the post once again! I agree with everything you said. There needs to be less worrying about is she/he interested in me and just go on a date, have fun, and enjoy getting to know someone new.
PREACH sister. Amen to the no more best friend thing! I feel like this too. Just because one girl did you dirty, doesn't mean that all girls are "entirely focused on their career and school and don't want to be married." Yeah, got that one last month. I tried to explain that for a lit of LDS women, when we get to be up in years and no suitable proposal has come along, we can't live at home forever, we can't wait for magic, we have to be independent. I know for myself I had to find something to fill this ginormous hole in my heart that wants to be a mother. That's why I'm in education. It gives me an outlet. Is that my number one priority?? No, but I have to pay the bills somehow! And last time I checked I can't be a mom without a dad. I think some guys don't realize how much we need them to step up. Sheesh fellas. Get with the program!
Well said Spraz.
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